“The myth of self-sufficiency demands optimism without end, downplays life’s challenges, and shames us when, inevitably, we fall short.”
― Ashton Applewhite, This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism
I’ve witnessed Rick and Joni, a married couple in their 80s living in their own home and have watched how they’re navigating their later years. Rick is sedentary and in poor health. He’s not able to go down stairs without assistance, needs Joni to tie his shoes, and he doesn’t have the physical ability to do household chores. Joni manages their finances, schedules doctors appointments and does much of the house work and helps Rick with activities of daily living. She acts as a caregiver for Rick. This is the way of life they’ve settled into. Rick likes being able to rely on Joni and has said so. “I’m so lucky to have Joni help me.” He likes that he has a dependable spouse to help him out. Without Joni, Rick would need to be in assisted living. That doesn’t bother him. He likes knowing and having other people to help him.
Many times I see fitness programs being advertised to older adults as a way to ‘stay independent.’ We sell that because that’s what we want for ourselves but there are people who don’t aspire to be independent and like being dependent on others. Rather than judge individuals who do not seek independence let’s approach it with empathy and curiosity and observe why these individuals may value dependency:
It serves as a social connection to other people
They feel someone cares about their well-being
Less responsibility and stress to make household decisions
They feel safer relying on someone else if they think they lack the skills or confidence to navigate life independently.
We live in a culture that values individual responsibility and independence and it can be hard to understand and empathize with those who value something different. Dependency can result from someone’s preference to rely on others or it could be due to a disease or illness but we can’t shame those who are dependent. We can seek to understand them and their values and deliver individualized health and wellness based on their values and not ours.